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Well nothing's free really.

2004-06-08 - free time

Not to be the *&$ raw cheerleader but I felt very good tonight. For the past two days my head has been buzzing, like loud! It's a clear buzz. Characteristics:

Clear, like I said

I think I found my third eye, but I don't know how to work it yet

Very high energy

I can't shut off my head

If I'm feeling this good now, I can but imagine the one year mark. It's as if I was hanging out with someone cool but I was alone, that's how much fun I was having. I really don't understand what is happening to my body, but I can only liken it to fine tuning an instrument. My bodicello. It's like I want to dance but with who?

Back to earth I got a letter from my bro in Prison, out in 70 some'in days. I wrote a script a couple of years ago about my brothers and me and my family, and his character had the most material to draw from because he's always been a "controversial character" or "black sheep", I think the eld felks are calling it nowadays. I followed him as the female version of the black sheep but honestly I think my felks were so exhausted from him and his shenanigans in the 70's that they just let me do what I wanted in the 80's and 90's.

We've been writing back and forth for years, and like I've mentioned before, if not for Prison, we may not have had the chance to really connect this way. I'm sure he would view it somewhat different, but I think it's been priceless, though painful.

I sent him the script a few months ago. His six year old gave me all the material for his arrest scene, because she was there.

"So then they went through my toy box and threw my stuffed animals everywhere umm and when my Mom went out the back door one of the team guys pointed the umm gun at her and he said GET INSIDE OR WE'LL umm SHOOT YOU."

He said he was really touched by the script and liked it a lot.

Two of my older brothers will be picking him up, low key, and there's a 4 hour window to get him from WhereamI, NJ to a halfway house in Brooklyn and I really feel like I should be there. Plus it's in the script. I wrote him and said I'll fly back as long as he's not too overwhelmed. It can be a personal thing, you know.

"...So listen of course I want you with us when I get out in August. I didn't know if you could swing the trip from Cali and get away from work and all, but if you can pull that it would be real cool. I always thought about the day I'd get out of here and all the different ways to do it, and I've been through them all - from a limo (the Druans offered that one) then I thought about just taking a train ride alone and giving myself a chance to relax and get used to the outside, but I always end up wanting it to just be family and having all you guys out there that day is the only way I can ever have done it. "

I know how I used to feel at summer camp on Visitor's Sunday. The camp would blare the "charge" bugle over the loudspeaker and then you could run into your parents arms. I never ran, I was way too cool for that. Plus my cabinmate Leeanne was an orphan, so I didn't want to look too eager for her sake.

..."and you know hellie, (not the nickname he used) as far as keeping my mouth shut - I'll explain that to you one day maybe, but believe me, being away from my kids and my family was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through besides losing Mom. Sometimes I even feel guilty that I put my pride and loyalty in front of my own family, but it's who I am and who I have to be to be able to live with myself.I understand people today no longer have those values and I try to be careful about the message I send my own kids but I guess people do what they have to do and I don't think I'd be ever able to live with myself or be the man I need to be had I gone ahead and talked. You see in my time rats were right up there with child molesters and guys who commit rape. Just because its become a more accepted thing over the years, it's just not something I could ever do. Anyway, I'll explain it all to you one day. I feel like as long as nobody does anything to me or my family, well then I don't see a problem."

Speaking of Prison, which is not a word I think needs to be capitalized, Jacob was giving out WANTED flyers today at my job. There were these three mug shots of some guys, and they looked really mean and not pleasant-like at all. Everyone is used to Jacob being slightly odd, but when we looked to see what they were wanted for, it only said possession of marijuana or drugs without a prescription or some other menial infraction. I still don't understand why he gave these out to us but he does go a few times a day to the post office which is a word that probably should be capped .

As soon as my head turns off I'll be sleeping but for now it's 24 pushups and maybe I'll break something, so I can stay up and fix it.

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