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Sweet n low life

2003-10-30 - 5:53 p.m.

I haven't had any sugar for about a month, which is huge for me. I am addicted to it, and it changes my moods immensely. I get really high and laugh a lot, then afterwards, I'm listless and down. It's a vicious cycle, really. The girls at work love to watch me spin on it. I have stopped sugar two or three times/gone through detox, been angry, came out the other side, and then inevitably I ate something which didn't appear to be sugar at first, but actually was. Today I had a day like that.

One of the guys at my job got some food from some Greek place, and I wasn't into it, but he did pop his head into my office when he got back. He looks at me and says "Baklava". He didn't even know what it was but he got some. I knew baklava was something sweet but I didn't know any more. "Isn't that something sweet, Mike?" He said he didn't know, but it sounded cool so he got it. He's been off sugar for a few months with good reason. He was overweight and lost over 50 pounds after stopping sugar, meat, soda, 1/2 and 1/2, and a few other things. I should've known better.

After convincing myself that it was honey, not sugar in the baklava, I ate a little enough piece to stir the sugar witch. It became all I could think of for the next hour. I kept telling anyone who would listen, "Good fucking baklava, right?" Someone foolishly suggested there was sugar in it, what was I doing. Then like magic, people began surrendering to me their little baklava pastries that Mike had so freely given them. I ate about three, because it was only honey and bread and nuts.

I'm sick and defeated. I hate sugar and baklava can kiss my ass. Whoever invented sugar- if you don't think much of sugar, or if you do, read Sugar Blues by something Duffy. It'll tell you all that I'm too sick right now to tell you. Countries cripple other countries as a war tactic using sugar products to weaken them. I am not a conspiracy theorist, but I do understand what the guy was getting at. Finally, a girl in my office brought her two year old son to work at the end of the day. He was given some candy corn, which for some reason he offered to me after he had stuck one in his own mouth. The kid has never spoken to me all the other times he's been here, I thought. He must have sensed me eyeing it. Whatever, what can you do. I tried weaseling my way around it, and it was a decent high while I was in it, but this sweet life is better left for someone else.

Babe, if you see this, just turn the other way. I'm ok. Don't tell me you told me so or what kind of life am I wanting. I know. I know and I'm suffering and I'm sorry I did it. Just let it be and tomorrow's another day, and I love you.

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