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nothing that will help anyone. A total waste of time.

2012-11-12 -

I'm fine with wildlife, especially if it's introduced to me slowly, like the snake now living in my bedroom. It's living in the bedroom because we live in a small house, where the outside yard is about 6X the size of our house, but the inside is too small for even the littlest nymph. We moved into this place specifically because it was a place our dogs would have 3 levels of outdoor space to hang out in. We actually had to get rid of half our stuff to downsize so they could supersize. We went from a 2 bedroom to a 1 bedroom that has this amazing beautiful outdoor area. And now we'll need a bigger place for the snake, that little trickster. It's the snake's and the dogs' house and we just happen to be living in it. In fact, if we turned around tomorrow and decided to live in the middle of the desert, outside, next to a bunch of other snakes, it would still be their house. So what does it matter? Just remember that people don't run much of anything.

This snake is a hognose snake, which is also called a colubrid and one other name. I only know this because my husband likes to say it. He's something like a nasicus domitstrus snake. It probably means nothing, but it seems to give the snake and reptile people great pleasure to say.

It all started at the LA Zoo (for me). There was a snake display a few months ago with a lot of beautiful and poisonous and not poisonous and (some lame) and gold and green and all kinds of snakes and lizards and other similar characters. I mistakenly replied out loud to the trick question,

"Which one of these could you see yourself living with?"

Rhetorical games I do enjoy. So I picked out a few creature types, one was actually a Monitor lizard but it simply lived too long I found out, and I don't have that kind of energy for a kid, much less a really cute lizard that's 15% of my size. Plus he kept scratching at the glass and never seemed to get tired. It made me feel like I wasn't exercising enough. Who needs that type of guilt?

The other ones I liked were very common - Rosy Boas, gold looking snakes, probably there were purple ones too, just everything really. I remember having the distinct sensation that there would be one living among us very soon. Although I do love this one. He's small enough to hold in my hand, and he doesn't bark, he just hisses. He's never bit me. He hasn't eaten in a month. That could be a problem, but some of them don't eat for a year, so - maybe not.

He came directly from the snake and lizard exhibit show this summer, and was just laying in a little drawer behind some snake breeder's display booth minding his own business. He's really pretty, he's orange and brown and maybe tan. I was honestly just getting a kick out of all the people on line outside before we went in, because for some reason 75% of them were wearing black concert t-shirts and had totally shaved heads. One of them was wearing his snake around his neck, which was very amusing to me. He probably never got to participate in Show N' Tell at school when he was little.

It was also 105 degrees out and we didn't have A/C, so when we were leaving we had to put the snake in his little cloth bag on top of a cool packet of mice so he wouldn't overheat or whatever they do to cease living. It was weird watching the bag moving all the way home. It was like the movie Brazil, where the guy moves around in the bag. Unfortunately that's all I remember from Brazil.

So far he's really taken to me, I think. He wouldn't let either of us really get near him for the first couple of months. Then he buried himself in the substrate (geek slang for mixed earth floor) and disappeared for days. When we found him he had moved to the back of the enclosure and gotten stuck behind a glass wall and had to be extracted. Now he's a certified member of the family. Tomorrow he may need to be force-fed if he still won't eat.

Who really cares about this? People are dying of cancer. I'll get to that at another time. For now, let's keep talking about nothing important.

******

I just remembered this date I went on a few years ago where the guy was a certified nerd. I had no problem with that really, but I simply didn't like him, there were no sparks. Not even one. Our date was playing video games, and he had a ton of them. Not that it would've mattered, but he didn't even offer me any chips. Or soda. Not that I drink soda. Maybe it would've mattered, I'd probably be married to him right now if he had even given me a bowl of crispy Bugles.

As I played, and as I won each game consecutively, I reluctantly watched as he fell deeper in love with me. It wasn't anyone's fault, I was simply speaking his love language. Only he wasn't speaking mine. I don't even know what mine is, but I'm pretty sure I know what it's not.

This was our last conversation:

ME: So, I guess I will be going. So much fun, and thanks -

HIM: This was seriously - so much fun. So much fun. Wow.

ME: So, when I leave, like when I pull out of the driveway, do I make a left like, right out of the driveway?

HIM: You swear you never played this game?

ME: When I say where do I make the turn, just know that I mean that literally, like - "I need directions right out of the driveway". Think of me as dyslexic with maps. Don't draw me a map, whatever you do. Only landmarks, only landmarks.

HIM: You make a right out of the driveway. Then left at the stop sign. Here let me draw you a map.

ME: (backing up) : No maps. Nope I've never played.

HIM: Walk you to your car?

ME: Nah.

HIM: Come on, I'll walk you to your car. God that was so much fun. Wow.

ME: It was fun.

HIM: Do it again on Thursday night?

ME: Nah.

HIM: Did you say Nah?

ME: Yeah....

HIM: Let me walk you to your car.

ME: Ok. (speed walking)

HIM: (speed walking): Are you some kind of video game hustler? (smiles)

ME: Nah. (yawns, grimaces)

HIM: You swear you never played ANY of those games?

ME: (silence)

HIM: Nah.

ME: Nah. K, night.

HIM: Night. Ok.

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