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I said � don�t look at me sideways, fool.

2012-05-15 -

I am not a fan of daily affirmations, because no one ever sticks to them. Which is why there are so many books about them everywhere � no one can recall even one. So here are some of my personalized ones, which are certainly much easier to remember.

Just for today, I will respect no one�s views. I will see to it that I maintain a tone as sarcastic as humanly possible, offering anyone in my path simple pious posturing, with an added gaze of disdain.

Just for today I will tell all of the LA food bloggers to put a fork in it! I will remind them that nobody really uses phrases like �slicked with oil�, �citrus notes�, �the chef�s iteration� or �a heady combination�. Just for today I will make them eat marshmallow fluff sandwiches on white bread, toasted over formaldehyde soaked coals from the 80�s. And I will make them post photos about it, smiling back at us in their sequined tank tops.

Just for today � I will tell my dogs no! No you cannot have a treat. No we will not walk a mountain. And no, you may not stare at me for 5 minutes at a time to capture small possible glimpses into my soul.

Just for today anything my acquaintances have to say will be met with �I don�t think any of that matters in life. Get real or I�ll hang up.�

Just for today I will delete five to ten chronic annoyances on Facebook. First to walk the virtual plank will be anyone who�s ever posted about or invited me to a Bejeweled game, right before anyone who�s ever posted a still shot of a famous painting or great musician with no good explanation, followed closely behind by anyone who�s posted song lyrics, famous quotes or sappy poetry on an unfathomably regular basis.

Just for today I will not wave to my neighbors or anyone at the park with a living creature trailing behind them.

Just for today, I will shove any junk mail found in my mailbox in someone else�s mailbox.

Just for today, when the two barking dogs that live next door to each other on my block start up again, the ones who simultaneously bark every time someone moves, I will walk down there and plaster a large piece of paper on their fence that says

The two most fucking exasperating dogs in the world live here and ←→ here.

Just for today, I will realize that this has been the most liberating day of my existence, the one I will remember for the many tomorrows wherein I become a reluctant member of the well behaved once again.

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