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Ghetto buds

2010-02-17 - 5:26 p.m.

Hello to all my neighbors!

Just a few talking points:

To the quiet older Mexican twin sisters across the street with the twin poodles: I know most neighborhoods have one or two, but your little mop headed dogs like to bark at about 4:30 a.m. till about 5a.m. every morning when you let them out, not sure if you've noticed that. In short, neither of them are as cute as you think they are. You should also know that much of the neighborhood is lightheartedly conspiring against them, which could really mean anything for you/them. So, heads up.

Hi Jack! I can see you through your curtains. So can everyone else. Maybe try dimming your lights first, then putting on some creepy music - and THEN you can resume your peering out at the neighborhood folk like a confused ghost caught between two worlds.

To my least favorite neighbor in the automatic wheelchair: It doesn't hurt my feelings that you are nowadays systematically visiting everyone on the block except me. I find the weather is much more enjoyable when you aren't blocking the sun with your dark inner self.

Well...

Just as I finished this sentence, I heard a helicopter flying above my house. I was going to finish my set off with a shout out to our neighbors (across the street and down two houses). Although it is a revolving door kind of apartment, and people always appear to be moving in and out of there, one thing is a constant - they all seem to have lifestyles that attract the local police, for whatever reason. It's not overly imposing, but the girl who just moved out had a friend-turned-stalker who liked to get sauced and then show up and yell outside her door for an hour or two, and just stand there staggering around till the cops showed up. The only words I ever heard her utter were to him, on that day. She answered the door and yelled,

"Why are you here, I'm trying not to get arrested again!"

Then she moved out a week later. Just a few minutes ago, though, it was someone else in the hot seat. Some guy I haven't had the pleasure of meeting yet, somehow just attracted 10 police cars and a helicopter to our street. He must gotten the criminal chain letter telling him he was next on the move in list. I don't know what he did to have 7 cops standing outside his door, but they eventually left, and all the neighbors went back inside. To him I'll just say this:

Hi, and welcome to the neighborhood. This is a great and picturesque area of town, at first glance. But I need to tell you that you are the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. And this solidifies it. We're moving.

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