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A visual display

2007-01-09 - pm

I got my first bloody nose today, which for me was like a Catholic Bat mitzvah; I�ve been wanting one of these for years. My brother Rory used to get them chronically in the 70�s, and watching him bleed like that made me feel like we were a separate species. I think I like them because they give such dramatic images, but without any real repercussions. It�s like randomly setting off fireworks in a very poor country. I suppose potentially they could be dangerous, but if you never get to see them, it�s a welcome occasion. Some wiseass always gave my brother a white washcloth to mop up his face with, and I�m sure back then no one would think twice about reusing it on my face. I almost called him to tell him about the news, but then it stopped, which really disappointed me.

I hadn�t been sick in about two years, until this week. I�ve been coughing every four minutes, and I even had a coughing fit on the plane today just drinking water. The guy next to me casually asked if I was okay while typing, which is a funny question to ask someone who�s coughing. I told him don�t just sit there, kill me.

I love a lot of things, but turbo prop planes aren�t one of them. I don�t care if I have to walk, I usually avoid them at any cost. Except that here in Wyoming you�d be walking for days. I have driven hundreds of miles just to avoid taking one of these confidence shredders. The only thing that was making me feel better was I remembered that someone told me once, as long as you distribute people evenly throughout the plane, you should be okay. So I kept reminding myself of that, and then a few minutes later observed what was quite possibly the largest man I have ever seen get on ahead of me. As luck would have it he was sitting directly across from me with his wife, shifting constantly. There was a lot of uneven distribution going on, because the row across from him only consisted of me.

I tried to alert the stewardess, but I think she was new, because she kept screwing up the announcements. It sounded like she used to work for a rodeo tour company. I only have one tip when flying a plane like this, start off every flight announcement with �wow everybody, do I have a great feeling about this flight.� I know that the aviation contractors have it all worked out on their own, but I don�t see how those propellers are going to do any good if a twig or a little bird�s head gets stuck in one of them. The guy I almost choked to death in front of was laughing because he said he takes these little planes all the time.

�You have nothing to worry about. You have more of a chance of dying in a car accident.�

�Please take that old statistic out of circulation. Do you really think those propellers can carry this tiny tin mouse?�

�I happen to know a lot about planes, and even these little ones are made to withstand a lot.�

�Well I�m sure the architects weren�t going to say that they�re made to withstand nothing.�

�Ha ha, someone�s a live wire huh?�

Some people, I think are just cocky realists.

The big guy was moving around so much that it was making my stomach hurt. I finally figured if I introduced myself to him, maybe he�d settle down and stop moving and then everyone could live.

�Hey, do you think that since all of the seats aren�t filled, that it will make the plane crash?�

�Oh, ha ha no. No this plane is built for everything, don�t worry.�

Like how would he know about this plane, specifically?

�Right. It just seems like - a lot of uneven distribution, and I�m surprised to see they didn�t address that, with all the empty seats and everything.�

�Oh, you mean because I�m fat? Ha ha! No, that don�t matter.�
(Originally from Wyoming)

�No, not because of that, it�s just these two seats have two people��

�Two very big fat people, I know I know, and behind us is got no people. If it would make you feel better, I could move, prove it to you. You won�t feel any difference.�

�No, it�s fine. Just a little death complex is all. You�re fine.�

The guy next to me whispered �nice going.� For the next twenty minutes, he and the other two discussed ways you could actually take down a plane like that, and ways you couldn�t. I think he was doing it on purpose, because ultra logical people have to sum everything up with hard facts, discounting the idea that there are always grey areas. He beamed at me once we landed.

�So you see? There was nothing to worry about. We proved it to you. What are you doing here in town, you have family here?�

�You�re dead to me.�

�Well � if I see you on one of these little planes again, it would be a pleasure.�

�Hey, excellent. Bye.�

�Listen, I really wasn�t trying to freak you out on the plane, it�s just I knew you had nothing to worry about.�

�It�s fine, I�m on the ground now.�

�Hey, honestly, I�m really not trying to start anything, but it looks like your nose is starting to bleed a little.�

�Get out of here. Really?�

�Yeah. Are you okay?�

�Yes! Thank you so much!�

�Can I get you something like a tissue?�

�Oh, no thanks, I just need to go and call my brother.�

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