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If I were president of the How To Act Club

2007-02-01 - two one

Figure out what you're good at, and do that, mostly. If you find you're not good at anything, you will have the option to move to a country where it isn't as important to excel at anything, for the most part. If you decide to stay here but don't mind being an underachiever, please sign the 'nothing to do' list, and we'll assign you something meaningful to study like Conspiracy Theorists we enjoy.

Sports are fine, but not as a substitute for living. Anyone caught yelling at the t.v. will have it taken away, and it will be replaced with a white and mellow Collier puppy until further notice from myself or my staff.

We will not stand for bullies with sociopathic tendencies. Bullying children who are smaller than you is not okay. Children who are tiny, though, will have the option of ganging up on any larger aggressor and maiming him/her in any way they see fit as a team. I say this because people who bully as children and have sociopathic tendencies, will eventually grow up to hurt animals, and will progress to killing people serially. Best to stunt their progress now.

Homelessness is encouraged, but only as a (realistic) last and final option. Anyone with full mental capacity wishing to be homeless will also need to register as an (active) artist. See my staff for the guidebook on what is definitely not an artist.

A note to the elderly: We encourage stories of the war, your youth, what's wrong with our youth, your travels, widowhood and your diet. Unfortunately for you, as it turns out, we absolutely had a unanimous/no appeals vote against your views on eroticism.

Remember this will be the first time there is to be any governing body setting parameters for anything relating to ethics, codes of conduct, behavior or anything larger than a traffic infraction. The rules you thought you were following were those of a doppelganging imposter pretending to secure order. Really they were just changing the rules a lot while you paid tickets and filled out paperwork. So you are always welcome to follow our very clear and fair rules within the How To Act Club.

Babies and children young enough not to talk back yet may not be cursed at in department stores or even in convenience stores. Anyone caught breaking this rule will have to watch the video "Misplaced Aggression's Devastating Effects on the Human Body" once daily, alternating weekly with "Verbal Lobotomy: Never Speak That Way to A Little One Again".

While myself and my staff are certainly not looking to incarcerate anyone anytime soon, as we do believe in freedom of thought, speech and action as it pertains to living in harmony with the other members of the community, we have no problem detaining those within the How To Act Club for a definite or indefinite period of time depending on the infraction. Our two golden rules are 'Give the people what they want' and 'Give the people enough rope to hang themselves'.

-HTAC

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