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2006-11-22 - Thank Eve

We are at a women�s legislative conference in Colorado. The opening reception was the other night. I was wrong in thinking everyone would be as stiff as white rice. They only appear that way at first glance. They opened the reception with the Broncos, who I wouldn�t know from the Knicks. I need to point out that even just one of their alumni alone had more stamina than entire football teams I used to witness in high school.

�Hey hold on Ohell, I want you to meet this guy here, let me grab him.�

�Is he a legislator?�

�Football player. This is Sam Brunelli. Ohell�s our coordinator.�

�Hi, Sam Brunelli.�

�Hello, Ohell. You have an Italian last name.�

�Yes I do. And so do you.�

I attempted to have a catch with him with one of our promotional items, but it was a short practice.

�Ohell, it�s all in the wrist. Use the wrist.�

So I threw it and it hit him in the wrist. You should never attempt to have a friendly catch with someone who has catching for 30 years longer than you have.

WELL, HELLO! WILL EVERYONE PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO MARY WILSON FROM THE SUPREMES!!

Really, what the hell? The Broncos alone would have been fine! I never liked mosh pits anyway, but this was strictly ballroom. She had electric blue feathered sleeves which fell like illuminated fairy dust right down to the floor. Every piece of fabric she had on appeared to be blowing back in the same direction, but I wasn�t standing that far away, and my outfit wasn�t doing that.

I�M GOING TO NEED SOME BACKUP SINGERS! LADIES? COME ON NOW, GET UP HERE AND HELP OUT YOUR GIRL!

She might as well have said

SO, RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO COME UP AND DISCUSS YOUR PARENTS HAVING SEX!

The most festive award would have to go to the woman with the green sequined Xmas tree sweater, who waddled up and proudly locked into position next to her, while the rest of the legislative thespian backups went up to sing with her too. I made sure to quickly and quietly walk myself right outside and take up second hand smoking in the cold white mountain wonderland. You should never try to sing along with a Supreme, you�ll just end up looking very bad.

Commissioners are not as serious as you would think. They laugh and dance, and sometimes even tell a joke that you can laugh along with. I don�t know what shows I was watching growing up, but on t.v. they weren�t ever really laughing so much. They were always shown working on something important or fulfilling serious agendas. They were usually being misrepresented on t.v., much like the state of California always was. California television shows never feature the Mexicans (which are more than � the population) having a good time at the beach, only the blondes. And I don�t know one bleached blonde that can make good guacamole in Sunny California.

Our video guy was a nervous wreck. He reminded me of one of the characters out of Narnia, not the human ones, but those other guys. He had wide cartoony eyes, and he was very quiet, which made me want to screw with him between takes.

�Are�we going to interview Geraldine Ferraro today? I saw her in the lunchroom.�

�Nope, she left. She muttered something about the camera guy making her very nervous.�

�Really?�

�Nope.�

All the political figures we interviewed to speak highly of our company on camera seemed to have another agenda. They were all talking about another magical mystery detox program for substance abuse offenders, one that involved saunas and steam baths to �cure people�, but with absolutely no drugs, ever. It sounded okay, but very opposite our program, which uses non-addictive medications to get them to stop their cravings. It was like,

�Well your company really should look into this non invasive approach to addiction.�

�Yes, sure, this country needs to get substance abusers off of methamphetamine, but this sauna program is an amazing cure. And we don�t advocate therapy either, people just don�t need it.�

�People don�t need drugs to get off drugs. They need steam baths, to detox naturally!�

We kept wondering why everyone was so set on pushing this sauna treatment, when I realized it was because the undercurrent of the entire conference as well as the sauna treatments and guests were all Scientology affiliated. Would�ve been nice to know that ahead of time. You should never push your agenda at the same time as a Scientologist; they will always outnumber you, as they do multiply like gremlins. It�s not good for the psyche to have to attend a Scientology themed party that you didn�t even realize you were at. Too many of them knew about TomKat�s wedding that day. Too many of them had (what I now know was) a Scientology smile. They were serving up Scientology cookies and punch. Even the kids there had an otherworldly aura about them that I can only assume is the calculated handiwork of you knows who. At the end of the day, I washed my hands a few times and made sure to call a few the grounded people in my life, for good measure. The ones that don�t let me go on about conspiracy theories, or mass takeover plans, or the mandatory microchip, or haunted eBay dolls. I said goodbye and thanked everyone, and I didn�t know where it came from, but I heard one of the �hosts� say

�Okay, goodbye � see if you can catch us next year.�

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