last five entries

host - email - older- newest - profile - notes

this is your life

2006-09-11 - p.m.

No one could figure out how she got on the invite list. I appointed myself in charge of getting 30 people to come to Chicago from a list of 50, but the invitees from the large list were all Judges and Wardens and maybe an Executioner or two. So I don�t know how she got into the dinner. So when she walked in and sat down, naturally I introduced myself.

�Oh, thanks for coming to the dinner � we�re really happy you came.�

�Yeahr. I was scared at first � but � then I thought � it�s good to meet new people and stuff.�

We bs'ed for a while till I could figure out who she was.

�Which branch of gov�t was it that you work in again?�

Then I think she said she had to go to the bathroom. I ran and grabbed the master invite list and looked for her name. Bill Perot, Warden. Deborah Saks, Chief of Police. Honorable Wesley Cane, 1st Distict Court. Donna Grazer, Donna Grazer. Donna Grazer...'Member'.

Oops!

So when everyone was busy talking about legislative action and the death penalty, Donna Grazer was talking about other things, outside with me.

�You know somethin'? I like cheesecake. I like it a lot. I � used to never like blizzards, but then I had one. It was real good. It was good with all the things that you can put in it. I don�t even like oreos by thereself, but on stuff? I like that. I like oreo shakes. I need to go on a diet, but I can�t really afford the gym! I can�t really afford anything, since I went on disability.

I tried to keep her outside as long as I could.

"No, it�s not mental, it�s just � stress. This dinner�s real good. Real good. I like to cook, but then I just burn stuff. I would love to be in the government! Because I�d have a gun! And use it too! No one could bother me, it�s my town, that only I own."

It just kept getting worse.

So did you have a far drive?
No, I took the bus.

Do you have kids?
The Doc said I shoudn�t.

I like your hair.
It�s not real.

All I wanted to know was, how do these kinds of situations always end up tailgating me? We went back inside, me and my new broken talking doll. Now the guests were starting to look at me weird. So I asked the group why no one has implemented a microchip program for sex offenders yet, and the oreo talk was obliterated once and for all. Have you ever dated someone and introduced them to people you know, but way too soon, before you really should have? And then they showed a side of themselves that you hadn't seen yet, and now everyone's seeing it with you? But you brought them, so you were responsible for their behavior. It was sort of like that.

No one stopped time, so the night ended, and it came off very well. I knew my new friend must have had a bus to catch, so I said good night,
escorted her to the door (and then locked it).

Other news that no one really needs to know: when I was gone last week, our office building burst a pipe or sprinkler that seemed to have flooded our entire floor. I missed it, but I did catch the video someone shot of it, and I came back just in time to see that many of the wall panels had been neatly cut out, along with a lot of the carpeting and maybe some ceiling no one will really miss. One of my friends let me know that this is how people die, so just make sure you inspect the building for asbestos. Being a safety code expert by nature, that's exactly what I had planned for tomorrow, once I got my radioactive test kit out of the glove compartment and checked the air for poisonous contaminants. In addition, I will be teaching a class on how to avoid noxious and dangerous liquids from splashing your face when someone is carrying biohazardous material a little too close to you in the kitchen. All of this happened the day I left for Winston-Salem, which is where I think really bored people go to commit suicide. The cabs there are in the form of huge white vans with lots of empty styrofoam coffee cups bouncing around in them. I wouldn't have known it was a cab, except someone was nice enough to hand paint the word "taxi" on it, in large font-proof lettering. They don't take credit cards, but they do stop at a cash machine so you can pay them. It's the only form of civilization within the 25 mile ride from the airport. It was a nice ride with my driver who has ten kids, but doesn't know where five of them are. The conference was kind of cute, because the conference coordinator organized a party in the park. I asked him what they would be doing there, and I'm almost positive he said they were having balloons and ice cream. It was an ice cream social. He gave me a free ticket, but I just couldn't bring myself to go. I mean who doesn't like balloons, but I gave my ticket to the caterer with the polyester drawstring pants and left out the back door.

previous - next