last five entries

host - email - older- newest - profile - notes

Wasn't she lovely

2005-11-20 - 5:03 p.m.

Girls can be really emotional, and I'm no exception. Where is the balance, is all I want to know. Do men get more physical labor in return? Do they even care that they have physical labor in return, if it were true? I say this because I am such a crybaby these days, now thatI'm sober! Years ago, I was a rock. I would never cry, I was just really really angry.

It used to be that I didn't eat any meat, or even anything cooked. I can assure you that has changed. I do eat seafood, but not meat other than that. It still kind of creeps me out. I dislike chicken with its snapping rubber band veins, but I ate it last night. It's no excuse, but the fucking wedding was only serving one dish, and that was chicken cordon bleu. Honestly. It was a girl I knew when I lived in the high desert, in Lucerne Valley. Hell hath no nothing like a woman who gets to live in Lucerne Valley. My friend (my only friend there at the time, boyfriend moved out) , the one who got married last night, was living in the darkedned streets of Hesperia, 15 minutes from me in meth lab Lucerne. She is Italian like me, and waited 7, no 8 years to get a ring from this guy. Aside from the chicken thing, the wedding was like a visit to your families' place at Christmastime (the good version).

I am always set to make fun of everyone and everything at a wedding, or anywhere, and show very little mercy at the same time. I know I have a heart, or I wouldn't get invited to any weddings. I've been to three in the last 6 months. I'll do the math. That's three. I could not, however, hold back my crying when the choreographed love dance of the bride and groom started.

The practiced, they rehearsed, she came to him, he dipped her. She twirled, she bowed, and her tiara was a gem. I know she had earned this night!

"I thought he got me an engagement ring for Christmas."

"Did he not?"

"No! He hid it behind his back like it was something special! He was like, 'You are gonna looove this. I have a surpriiiise!"

"What was it?"

"A fucking Furby! Those ugly fucks!"

So you bet I cried. Every time she moved an inch toward him, I wiped my face again. There were others too who were, but I only noticed the woman at our table was, and she has three girls.

Then Jiminy said, I have an idea for a wedding.

"What?"

"A cringe wedding! Everything is cringy! The bridesmaids outfits will be hideous!"

I think that's very funny.

Even their kissing was rehearsed, it will be great with the cake eating photos when it comes out on hardcover! In the lobby, we looked through a previous album of another wedding, and noticed the bride in that book had her mouth open a lot and she always looked surprised. I thought of Appalachia. The photographer was probably a jerk, or just didn't think his camera loved her. He didn't rehearse her, accounting for her B movie status, courtesy of the cutting room floor.

I don't have very good wedding rehearsal skills, and so far, I've escaped being in any wedding parties. I was the flower girl when I was seven, and it was my mother's wedding (dad=dead, etc.) and my brother Rory was the pillow boy or the ring kid, or my equivalent, and then the big people said,

"How cute you are! Now go dance with your brother on the dance floor."

I said no. He was in his mini tux, and tried to make me do it. But I knew there was no way you were getting me on that dance floor with that bastard. Kill me if you want to. You should only see how he tried to smother me last week with the red paisley cushion. It was velvet. He also made me put pepper up my nose, then claimed it was my idea. I asked the band to please play Hound Dog, and I left it at that.

previous - next