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2005-01-17 - night

One small example of something that happened at work that wasn�t funny, but it just cracked two of my coworkers right up.

JAN � Hi, how are you Lisa?

LISA - (drinking water, holding up her �hold on� hand.) Mmmm. Mmmt! Mnnnt!

JAN � Oh really, is that so?

LISA � (swallows the water) Ha ha fine how are you ha ha!

BOTH � (laugh hysterical, file out)

While in the workplace, I believe it would be a wise idea for each woman to have a red lightbulb at her desk that is turned on at the onset of her period, and turned back off when the company vote decides it�s safe. It would alarm men and women alike, and all the women could compare notes and see how close in proximity they really are, cyclically.

I wrote my cousin in prison for the first time last week. It is not his first time, nor his second. Still, I think he�s a good guy with a bit of stuff to work out inside. The nice thing is that if not for him getting sent away, we would never have stayed in touch. My Grandma told me he has no one but her and his mom writing him, and I couldn�t deal with that. I recently received my first letter back. I�ve only pinpointed the highlights for you:

Currently I�m in a pretty shitty position.
The state of Florida, in its infinite wisdom, has sentenced me to forty years in prison.
Somehow, I managed to get myself tangled up in an alleged heroin distribution ring.
I always wanted to be a really good father and I�ve screwed that up.
I would be glad to keep in touch if you want.
I�m a captive audience.

I watched 24 minutes of American Movie the other night for the thirtieth time, with another one of my friends, who didn�t much care for it just like the other six friends I tried to trick into watching it. I�m not saying it�s for everybody, I�m just saying look. If we could get you to shut up past the first half hour and really watch it, you�d see the beauty in it too, then you can hate it again. Inevitably, I put the thing in the machine and play it, and without fail, after a few minutes, they smile and start talking like it�s elevator music. I feel like I�m playing the tape of my lanky kid�s Christmas dance recital at the YMCA. If I could get just one person to watch the whole thing without leaving the room repeatedly, or asking me why I like it, I�d take that person out for a soda.

I don�t want to have a major aversion to anyone or anything, because I�ve been told at times that really taking a dislike to anyone/thing is a major sign that it�s exactly what you don�t like in yourself. What to do with that information? Nevertheless, today I dislike the guy I spoke with that behaved very pompous and arrogant regarding his career as a commercial director. I couldn�t prove to him that he was no better than anyone else, but I just knew it. Next time we talk, I�m going to direct him to stop acting that way.

If I were the author of a self help book, I�d summarize the book to my readers at the last paragraph:

Listen. You fucked up. You know it, and I know it. Just stop doing you know what, and take the route that requires you to think. The reason why nothing has changed in your life is because you�re following your own rules. Doesn�t mean you�re doing it wrong, just doing it different. Remember the rules I mention all throughout the book.

1)No more square peg in a round hole syndrome! I know, I know, I can hear you groaning already. Let me tell you a quick story, you think you have it bad. I had a friend named Peg back in school, and she was a little odd, her mother used to make her eat Spam and jelly sandwiches, and tied her hair in a boy scout knot. The kids called her Square Peg, she had a nervous breakdown and left school, and she still hasn�t recovered. Why? She crumbled!

2)Give it time, but don�t give it bad energy! When in doubt, remember the story of Mrs. Picketsnip! She cut 10 cent coupons for two years, and PUT HER KIDS THROUGH COLLEGE BECAUSE OF IT!!!

3)The rules are there are no rules! Not really, anyway!

4) Don�t associate with anyone who hasn�t read this book. If they�re not willing to go out and buy it, recite to them the Stalemate Mantra from page 268: �I stand by and support you for who you are: a person that is incomplete and unwise, until you have read this book.�

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