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If we were your girl

2005-01-12 -

Tony, one of the guys I work with told me this joke today. Tell me if you think this isn�t funny either.

A guy goes into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist he wants some powerful medication to drug and kill his wife. The pharmacist says, �Absolutely not. Why would you want to kill that woman? You love her, and you�ve been married for over 20 years.� So the guy takes out two photos; one of his own wife having sex with another man, and the other photo of the pharmacist�s wife having sex with the same man. The pharmacist says, �Well, why didn�t you tell me you had a prescription!�

Then Tony adds as he�s walking away, (to not laughing me) �Yeah, now he wants to help!�

The joke is over Tony, let�s let it go. These are fictitious people.

If you feel like you must tell a joke to a captive audience, (ie: your grandparents, someone in an elevator, someone�s life you just saved) just know that there are ways to tell that it didn�t come off very well.

�Oh God, Tony!�

�Tony, you�re so bad !� They mean it.

�Always telling jokes, Tony.� (and should stop)

�Can you believe him!�

I had a court hearing today for two parking tickets that weren�t mine. My mechanic, Leo, sold my last car for me, and while he had it in storage, it accumulated two street parking tickets. Leo maintains that it never touched the street. He met me at the courthouse today, with a fractured collarbone. He fell down somehow last night in his apartment, but didn�t want to go to the hospital, because he has to run his shop. It looked painful and I felt bad.

The courthouse was just a huge office space holding a bitter receptionist and a very serious conservative looking man in a suit with a tape recorder behind a huge wooden table recording us. I had no idea he still had those appeal letters I wrote in his possession. I was mortified when he read them aloud to us, I never thought I�d have to be face to face to the people that actually get them in the mail.

�Maam, I�m going to read your letter of appeal, sent August 31st 2004 into the recorder, and then if you have anything to add after that, state it into the machine, and we�ll conduct a review of the case and let you know of our decision in two weeks. You wrote,

�To Whom it May Concern,
I am aware that I received two parking tickets recently that weren�t mine, and I paid them both, in order that I may have a court hearing�. I would like to get to the bottom of this�. I checked the box on the return form that requests a hearing�as I am now the proud owner of a much better car that doesn�t give me any grief� also, if you choose to vacate me from the responsibility of the tickets ahead of time, I will shout your name from the rooftops! I will praise the LA Parking Violations Bureau , and tell everyone I know at every opportunity how fair and just you people are. Thank you in advance, but of course, the decision is yours to make.

Sincerely,
Ohell .� �

Then I�m supposed to add something. I came out from under the table, and had very bad stage fright regarding that rolling tape recorder .

�I have no idea what happened to that car, but they�re not my tickets sir. Feel free to ask my mechanic and friend, Leo. He�s got the paperwork.�

Then I sunk back under the table. We were out of there in 20 minutes, and Leo needed a ride back to his shop, he only drives a stick shift, and it wouldn�t be conducive to his busted collarbone today. On the way home I discovered that he and his wife were separated last year after 18 years of marriage and a kid! I got very sad about that and told him he needs to start dating again. Then later I asked God to help me find someone to set him up with. He works way too much and spent Xmas alone. And his ex is mean, and calls him last minute to come pick her up to go to the movies. He�s not even bitter at her. He just says that he never meets any women. We talked a little about his workaholism, which (conveniently) keeps him from meeting people, aside from the greasy men at the shop or anyone having to do with his tyrant ex wife. As he got out of the car, I told him

Ok so big deal Leo, you die with no woman, but you�ve definitely worked hard at the shop for thirty years. Congratulations.

57ish years old, Latin male. 6�1-6� 3. 200+ lbs. Very pleasant. Blue eyes, hard worker. Likes to eat (chicken I think, and Mexican food), treats employees well. He says he doesn�t like the bar scene.
Doesn�t charge a lot for auto work! Works Saturdays, but only till 6 or 7. Also works Monday � Friday. Free bodywork!

Any ladies who are in or visiting the West LA area and would like to meet one of the nicest and most handsome men around, are encouraged to contact me and we�ll arrange a (surprise) visit. You may have to come to the shop. But only once, for the initial meeting, so we can get him interested and peel him away from the place, like it was his idea. Maybe pretend you have a blown gasket. We�ll figure it out.

Last and most littlest, was the guy working at the Laundromat last night. He is maybe 4� 5��. Looking at little him, I imagined what it would be like to be married to someone that was prearranged by your parents. I imagined they picked this little guy for me, and I had no choice but to love him. I have no attraction to him, but he�s very accommodating and helpful. I tried to come up with all of the positives that I would be focusing on had he been the one my parents chose for me to marry, as if I was a Romanian. Neither of us are Romanian, he is Mexamerican, and I am Italiarish. I came up with these, but ultimately decided that I still had no desire to marry him.

1) Expressive and confident hands. Tells the other laundry worker guys what to do with authority, merely using his hands and a few words.

2) Can just �kick it� with customers, while multitasking . We watched the Topanga Canyon and La Conchita floods on the Spanish channel together, while he reassembled my two-layer reversible shirt that just came out of the dryer, all while interpreting for me what the newscaster was saying, and answering the cordless.

3) Keeps his hair nice, like fresh laundry.

4) We could joke about �mismatch� being a double entendre.

5) Definitely not a snob.

6) Clothes always clean. I would think that would extend to sheets and pillowcases as well.

7) Doesn�t go by the belief that �a woman�s place is in the laundry.�

8) Is in the know on fabric softeners.

9) Would never mix colors with white cotton.

10) Nice but faded beyond recognition tattoo type marks on his arm.

I�m sorry for all the women who have been reluctantly prearranged to marry a mismatch by your parents. Just make the best of it, especially if you don�t want to be disowned.

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