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Saying to myself

2004-09-15 - that time of the month

You don't even have anything to write. I usually don't have cramps like this, but it's a nice hormonal high.

An apple a day sends fruit flies your way, and love is a samurai sword sometimes. How many tiny ants must there be that come into this apt every year. They think they're camoflauge because they're so little. I promised Marty I would send a letter within four days.

It would be nice if I cleaned. The food last night was good, chef Ito hasn't spoken in years not one word but his wife speaks for him and then some. In this photo my Grandmother has a cartoon bear on her shirt. I can never tell her what I think of those shirts, it would hurt her feelings. I must've missed that gene. Her shirt in the photo says squeeze me real hard I'm good under pressure. She probably never thought about the sexual undertones.

Troubled Youth, they don't give a damn. Because they're troubled.

Most of the gang kids are pretty cool but there's always one that might try to kill me. What match is a can of mace for a loaded pistol. In Arizona you can carry a gun but who cares, no one uses them as much. Except in bar fights. It makes me so sad that my Grandparents will die one day. In either scenario, one will be left alone, and my Grandma can't drive. I would definately fly home. I used the word melancholy in a sentence today and not too long ago I was certain it meant overjoyed. No one ever corrected me, unless they just thought I was stupid. I was a literature major and don't have a favorite book. Actually I do but it's no novel. A Natural History Of The Senses. Today anyway.

Concubine.

I once kissed this guy at college only because I liked his cologne. That and I drank until he looked like someone I could black out. I got set up on the only blind date I think I ever had years ago and this girl I knew, a drunkard, but a brain to kill for, set me up with it. She claimed he was a great guy, which he most certainly was not. And when I went there we watched Lawnmower Man which would've been great if I hadn't been newly sober. The movie ended up giving me acid flashbacks. I never had them after that but he wouldn't stop the movie. We became only friends and after he found out I lived next door to his ex, he later confided in me that he had tried to get her to kill herself when she left him. It wasn't like he was a great friend.

There's a kid next door with my exact name only she's five and her Dad yells her name a lot. I think they're Persian. He older brother likes to say the word Alleluia over and over.

You can't always give in to your impulses, even if you are an extremist. That's no excuse.

I know this guy Dallas who won't let anyone get close to him, not even his friends. Maybe he's melancholy. I don't care to hear about his parents and why he is that way. We saw him walking by the donut shop tonight. We'll accept you no matter what. As long as you don't have weapons - I can't understand all these ants. Where were they the rest of the year? It wasn't like we really bumped into the guy, we were eating, and the donut parking lot looked like a good spot because a) everyone would want to park at the beach and eat. b) it's nice to have a late night behind the glass donut team as the backdrop for some fruit and flax crackers and avocado. Some semblance of balance. There was a big homeless woman standing behind the car w/ her cart, and Dallas yelled to her, "Did you eat yet, beautiful?" Ten to one she probably gets that question more than "Did you drink yet, beautiful?" But she did eat, probably donuts, and so Dallas spotted me and said hello, but you know the ones, all talk about producing and how busy they are to do anything else but Hollywood. Hunting game should not be restricted to deer. In my eyes one of his life's missions would be to trust that he is just fine without the flash. Especially if the Aliens or Jesus come. "Give me one reason, Dallas, why we should save you/beam you."

"How about I look good in sunglasses, so I can handle the glare."

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