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The power of Alexandra

2004-05-28 - slow : change

I befriended a girl in the program last Saturday who is really shy. It's the second time I've gone up to her to speak to her, because she looks so lost and out of the groove. Any groove. I saw her go up to the podium a few months ago and she started crying because she doesn't want to drink anymore, but she is definately an isolator too, and doesn't know how to speak to other women so well. Loneliness kills, so I invited her to go to a meeting with me last night, and she said she'd come and pick me up and we could drive together.

I told her to beep when she hit my place and I would come outside because she wouldn't find parking. She never showed up, so I left and figured she got lost or scared again. I saw a car parked a few yards away in the alley (although I don't know the metric system, if the yard is a member of it) when I was getting into my car, but that car didn't seem to be moving, so I figured it wasn't her. It was.

I didn't realize it was her until I almost collided with her around the block. Even her car was quiet, I think it was a hybrid. I said "why didn't you beep?" She said, "I did, just quietly."

A few seconds later she whispered, "I'll follow you, is that ok?" I thought If we were a yin/yang lesbian couple, I guess I'd be forced to be the masculine one. So for the six minute ride to the meeting, I played the butch so that she'd feel more comfortable. I sped up, I waved at her in the rearview, I took risky turns that any shy girl would be crazy not to follow. When we got to the meeting (late) I checked my imaginary watch twice. I was really overtired, which is why I felt like doing all this imaginary roleplaying with myself. Obvious note: I am not a lesbian, I was just having fun, inwardly.

A really nice guy parked my car for me because I would've hit his truck if he hadn't. She just kind of sat in the entrance, in her hybrid. I ran over to her and told her to "hang tight" I would help her park too. I think she was liking my yang. We walked into the meeting together, and I was starting to feel a little silly about pretending she was my other half. She is just a really nice girl who needs help. I introduced her to some women and some non ass - grabbing men, and she seemed no happier than before.

After the meeting we went back outside and she quietly had a cigarette, but still didn't really speak much. I saw her look towards the sky toward the direction a bird might be if it were day, and she made a face like the last girl still waiting to be asked to dance at a junior high prom. Maybe not, but that's what I projected onto her. I tapped her on the shoulder, being very careful not to break it, and asked her how she was doing, in a very non threatening manner. Well, look who sprung to life! She actually looked up.

"I'm reading a book!"

"In your mind?"

"No, silly. Hee hee. I mean no. I mean I'm currently reading a book. "

"What book?"

"The Power of Now."

"Eckhardt Tolle?"

"Yes! Have - you heard of it?"

"Yeah, I stole it from my old roommate once, but it was so wordy that I couldn't get through it at the time."

"Did - you give it back?"

"I did give it back, thanks for asking."

I guess something about the commonality of the power of now gave her talking wings, because she was not about to stop flapping now. It was like watching a baby bird break out of a shell, although I've never seen that either. This woman really was a talker. She offered up her favorite books, her favorite authors, her place of employment, her reason for being there so long, her various attempts at sobriety, her favorite spices - I could increase the list ad infinitum. My new not so shy buddy.

She didn't need my sympathy butch offering, a car chase, or 23 cigarettes. All she needed was a fucking meeting and a little "how're you doing over here?", and it was like we just elected her AA Valedictorian. A really stunning thing to watch. I think it's the hum inside the hum of the quiet ones that makes any sense.

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