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Jake, Jake's Ladies, Darlene and Rob

2004-05-21 - plenty of time

Jacob is the guy who has been at my job for 20 years and a few years with the owner before that. On one of the owner's cars, is the name of the company (let's say ACME") which he put on his license plate. Jake had "ACME 2" put on his VW license plate. I can assure you he's made this a lifestyle . He is from the Caribbean, never ages, is 60 but looks 45 and is never angry. He's been on a few talk shows because he lives in a nudist camp and today we found out he has two girlfriends.

"Dey know about each adder. I love all de ladees. Especially I love you four laydees. Wait I have something for you."

And he does this ritual where he steals tampons in bulk from a secret tampon source somewhere in the warehouse, and piles them on our desks. He thinks we should be treated like his queens, and this is proof. Sometimes he will buy us tubs of margarine or gallons of milk and write in black magic marker "FOR JAKE'S LADIES ONLY!!!"

"No you didn't put those in there," I was laughing when he came back. I meant the huge grey watering/gardening can he was holding. He was stirring them in the can with his hand.

"Of course, sweetie pie (he emphasizes "pie", not sweeetie which most people emphasize, but it's his accent) "Notheen is too good for my laydees." And he scooped those tampons righ out of the can.

You cannot possibly dislike Jake. Children are drawn to him like a pastry snack, there's no errand he won't run, and there's nothing he won't fix. But I really think he is grossly underappreciated overall, and should have his own office. His office is in the warehouse, tucked away in a corner, which is sort of under the stairs. He has never complained about it, but we have. When he had amassed 20 years at the job, the administration gave a bunch of flowers, which he hated but never said anything. Instead, he drew an angry cartoon with stick figures and photocopied it, and taped it up by the stairs/office. (After he had made sure everyone within photocopying distance had seen it.) I still have a copy, it shows stick Jake talking to another warehouse stick guy Juan and Juan says,

"Happy 20 year anniversary, man! So what did they get you for your big day?"

"Flowers, man. Can you believe that?"

Aww, man flowers is for girls! You're not a girl!"

"I know, I know and I love the flowers but (turns to face the reader) NEXT TIME GET ME ANYTHING BUT FLOWERS! I'M NOT A LADY!"

Point made.

I am trying to organize a 20 year party for him. Generally, it will be a big surprise, mainly because it will be 6 or 7 months after the fact. He'll probably be surprised that anyone had the fucking gall to wait so long.

********

The last email I sent to my little brother Rob was "Well do you need help?"

All I got back this time was "maybe a home."

He never replied to me after that one, probably because I asked him what happened.

What happened was that his new girlfriend came back from a trip and kicked him out after discovering long hairs in her bed that weren't hers, and that her "sensuality candle" had been burned, but not for her. And I know relapsing rarely makes a great case for keeping a roommate.

One of my other brothers gets out of prison in a couple of months. I am beyond grateful it's almost over. He hasn't spoken to his wife since Xmas, but he's still going home. I think they should have a lot to talk about, if I had to guess.

I'm still really down about Darlene being gone today and every time I went to the bathroom at work I looked up toward the vent and said a few "hey Darlene's", "I'm sorry Darlene's", even one "Hey what the fuck, Darlene, that was stupid", because when else do you have 37 seconds alone to yourself. Rob and Darlene wouldn't have learned a damn thing from each other.

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