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I don't like subtle manipulators

2004-05-05 - cinco de mayo

Today I cried and it surprised me. I gave a little hell to those around me, then I had to apologize. All because my thinking yesterday made me physically ill today, if that makes any sense. I went to a meeting tonight, and magically I feel better. I love recovering drunks. Even the fucked up ones. Especially those fuckers, they have the best sharing. I nod a lot when they talk, so they'll keep going.

I'm just going to be talking about nothing really for the next few minutes, so if you think you won't be into hearing diatribulars, by all means, skip it. I'm just trying to work some internal stuff out, and you probably won't relate to it.

I'm craving these meatless chicken nuggets I used to eat in my cooked vegan days. They are the only real thing I crave since going raw. And maybe risotto which, who ever really gave a fuck about? Fuck risotto, it's a filler food! It's just like pasta with an upgrade. Emily came in the window yesterday and hung out with me, and she smelled like pasta. Her whole being. Pasta!

Today is Cinco de Mayo, which I don't relate to, but the rest of Venice Beach seems to. Georgie and Angie are both Latina. Dedra tells me 'it's they holiday today'. Angie has a son named Justin but Dedra calls him Lil' Julio. Any Mexican she sees when she's out, she comes back and tells them I just saw your cousin. Angie insists she's not Mexican, but Dedra further insists that with all the stuff that come out of your mouth, Chimichanga bla bla adios this and that, both of you are La Bamba.

I spoke to a friend I haven't spoken to in a few years, and now I know why. He's a pain in the ass, and very pushy. We had tentative plans for the other day, and I purposefully made them tentative because I had a feeling I wouldn't want to go. He waited around in my area at his friend's house, and kept calling. I did the wrong thing and didn't call to confirm or deny my availability, and when I did call back a few days later to apologize for at least not calling, he said that it's never fun being stood up. That no one likes it. Where were you? How could you? I could increase the list ad infinitum with his inflated attitude. And do you know what? I just don't care enough about this friendship to pursue it any longer. I felt like taking my apology back. And I told him so. Not in those words, but akin to it. I told him that I didn't feel like seeing him, or anyone else that day. Because I had plans with me. I think the reason it's on my mind and bothers me so much is because he was subtly manipulative, and underhandedly pressured me in a way that I am not down with. I suppose it'll be another few years before I hear from him again, luckily. His show is cancelled, let's say. In closing, he said that I have a lot to share in this life of mine, something like I am a light burning bright, and something-or- other in addition. Hippies are more than fine, but gibberish I'll never stomach. Someone reminded me today that life is short enough, we don't need extra time wasters. Really!

I am wishing I had some nice stuff to say tonight, but I just don't. Also I emailed my little brother to say I want to see you soon, this is what I'm up to, you know, that kind of email. His reply email only said, "I'm a mess." I asked him if it's the kind of mess he's going to tell me about beforehand this time.

P.S. And fuck subtle pushy people!

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