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sermons

2004-04-08 - 7:38 p.m.

A woman at my job who I've had the pleasure of knowing for a while now, is born again, saved and delivered, and always tells me things I didn't know or am not sure I believe. But I like her spunk and sense of humor, and sometimes we invite her into our department to give a sermon. She told me that God talks to her, and he told her that I should be a preacher. I told her as soon as I find a topic, I'll preach. Additionally, she is a huge pain in the ass because although her salary far surpasses the 99% of us who are not her, she always asks us for money anyway. She has revolving responses to most anything you say to her:

Gimme a dollar.

You're bootleg.

That's ghetto.

Girl please.

I am not the one.

Because my stomach hurts.

Don't make me give another sermon up in here.

The devil is a lie.

You are not allowed.

It is not you're birthday.

But today she pulled me into her office for a mini sermon. All I asked her was why she was so convinced all homosexuals had a choice. She was scanning her bible, then her computer for info. This is what she told me. Having nothing to do with what I asked her.

The band Bone Thugs N Harmony are satanic, and they have pentagrams on a special website they have.

One of the members of the (no longer in service) band "Color Me Badd" became born again and soon realized that the devil himself had infiltrated his hit cd with his Satanic possession, the cd with the song "Sex You Up" on it; causing thousands of underage girls to lose their virginity while listening to it, way before they intended to lose it.

Snoop Dogg once had a near death experience which he outlines in one of his videos, and while he was dying, the devil came to him and offered him mass wealth in exchange for his soul, which Snoop accepted. He also quit smoking weed not that long ago, which is a little confusing, because it just is.

Aside from the sermons she gives, when we have had enough of each other in our department, we try to coax other members of our company to come visit us for show and tell. Everyone has some sort of gift, I think. This is who we actually have on deck, in other words, employees we were wanting to have as guests very soon:

kickboxing instruction in the tightest clothes imaginable

Verblogging(extreme liberal verbal blogging)

how to roll a joint (for your teen daughter)

nudist colony living

how to go through 8 new diets in 11 months and repeatedly gain back all the weight you've lost

How to have 4 kids at 26 with 1 job, 1 deadbeat Dad and 0 money.

So far, we've managed to scrape together 7 sermons from the same guest, even when we don't invite her, and we did get a talk on why the economy is fluctuating the way it is. We were also given a talk by our supervisor regarding our queer ideas of fun while working, but she was smiling when she said it.

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