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Hooters shouldn't be for everyone. Or anyone.

2004-03-14 - 8:02 p.m.

I avoided nearly everyone today. My friend Monica invited me to see a woman speak at an AA meeting, but it was about an hour too far to go. She left three messages but neglected to tell me that the woman was a convicted killer until she was on her way to the meeting, on her cell phone. I would have hup-two-ed for that. I only spoke to one person on the phone today (oh maybe two I don't know I'm burnt) and that person is a regular for me. I only had two real outside conversations today, which is nothing because I'm chatty.

THE FARMER'S MARKET

Farmer: Hello.

Me: Hello.

Farmer: How are you today miss?

Me: I need the kumquats, where are they?

Farmer: Oh here they are. Help yourself.

Me: Tell me when I get to 5 pounds. (scooping sound)

Farmer: What hey, Whatareyou, having a kumquat party?

Me: They got me really high last week, and I want to recreate the high. Also, I have some requests for a pound from some of my connections.

Farmer: Good stuff then?

Me: They should be illegal, at this rate.

Farmer: You say you got high?

Me: Laughed for an hour straight.(cracks knuckles)

Farmer: You pusher!

Older(strange,Tammy Faye Bakerlike) Woman: I would like some kamquits too. I would like to laugh like her.

I whispered in her ear the other thing they did to me, and when I came back the bin was empty.

THE LAUNDROMAT

Homeless (but clean) guy: What are you doing?

Me: Laundry.

HBCG: Do you want a donut? They're free here.

Me: No. And I know.

HBCG: I'm on a diet. Except these. Where I lost (puts up 4 fingers) 33 pounds. (whispers) Science!

Me: That's good. I guess the donut is a free non counted item.

HBCG: Well we must be free and happy in the world, because we never know when someone gonna snatch us up to heaven!

Me: Poignant; beautifully said.

HBCG: And here's a little soft shoe for you. (he was white)

Me: OK thanks, here I go back to my machine.

HBCG: And I got $30.00 panhandling in 4 hours. That's - $30.00.

10 minutes later

HBCG: (walks up to me, takes two photos out of his "jacket".)

Me: Those are hooters girls.

HBCG: M'buddy Jack took these. There's a code. You have to ask for a sweet easy. (or something similar sounding)

Me: I'm going to try and retain that.

HBCG: You should try out before you get old. There's still time for you.

Me: Thanks again, I'll do that.

HBCG: Really, go.

Me: Okay.

HBCG: I'm just saying.

Me: Have a good one. I've learned a lot.

HBCG: (walking away) Me too!

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