last five entries

host - email - older- newest - profile - notes

The Skate Was Bittersweet (2)

2011-06-21 -

I was always the baby of my family, and I can still recall the moment of my childhood when I realized I might turn into a woman someday. Or like my mom's womb wouldn't snap in half if I got too far from it.
Back in the earlier days when roller skating was the high point of a kid�s weekend, and some older men didn�t seem as interested in little girls as they do now, my mother was perfectly comfortable dropping me off at the roller rink to spin myself in circles, outside our living room for a change.

�Mom but do I have to have metal wheels? Because people can always hear me coming up from behind them.�

�They�re fine, Ohell."

�Even over the music though!�

�Metal lasts longer Ohell.�

She was right; those metal wheels outlasted my grandparents. And I could actually feel my face vibrate when I skated. I couldn�t believe plastic wheels were being sold in all the stores, and some of them even had colors like blue, red, you know, colors. All of these great possibilities, and she would have no problem letting me go down like that. Just like the Buster Brown shoes with the 4 inch rubber heels she made we wear out on the soccer field when I joined the team. Due to mortification, I did not stay on the team.

�Mom � I have to tell you that everyone on my team is wearing soccer cleats. I looked around and - I�m the only one wearing furry brown shoes!�

�Those soles have traction, Ohell. You�re gonna thank me.�

Everything was like that with us. I was pretty sure we weren�t poor, like my friend Bella who lived in a leaky shack a few miles away with her alcoholic mother, but I always felt like an outcast too. I told her if my mom slept as much as hers did, I would definitely be sneaking donuts into my house. Sugar in our house was a sacrilege.

So, word had it that my cousin Tara was going to be having a pizza party at the roller rink for her birthday. My mom wouldn�t dream of having pizza at any party given in my honor, as I don�t believe anyone had invented a gluten free fairy-dust, Tinkerbelle punk-ass pizza yet. Even when my second grade class was having a fall potluck celebration, and all the other kids showed up with tasty processed food like cupcakes, 7-Up and chocolate, guess who was seen lugging a huge satchel of fruit into the classroom?

My mom was like
�You�ll thank me, kiddo. Kids love peaches.�

�But I don�t!�

It turns out all the kids really did flip over those peaches. Personally I think some of them were just malnourished. A fight actually broke out on the bus going home that day because one of the kids stole another kid�s peach.

�Ohell, Bobby took my peach!�

That was probably one of the proudest moments of my life. He actually thought I had the power to do something about it!

�Did he? Well - I�ll probably have a talk with him about that later.�

�But he�s sitting right next to you smiling about it!�

No denying that he was.

I said

�Bobby, you took his peach?�

�Yup.�

�Why?�

�I don�t know.�

That was that. Let him cry to my mother. She started this whole thing.

An angel must have planned my cousin�s birthday party at the rink. They had real soda that you could actually drink, no limit on the intake of nacho cheese and no carob cupcakes anywhere. Best of all, I didn�t see one speck of real fruit in anything on that table. I was wearing a hand me down t-shirt from one of my brothers, with an iron on picture of the Rolling Stones leaning against a wall. In sharp contrast, I noticed that my cousin�s giggly gaggle of girlfriends were all wearing pink satin bows in their hair, which most likely matched the color of their delicate lungs. I�m sure their dads didn�t chain smoke Winston cigarettes with the car windows rolled up like mine did. But at that point in time no one had figured out yet that kids in the 3rd grade could develop lung cancer, so - ignorance was bliss, at least as far as long family car trips were concerned.

A couple of the girls at the party were trying to get to know me, but I couldn�t be bothered. I was fixated on filling up my pockets and face with as many cheese doodles as possible, not to mention the hundreds of little foil wrapped chocolates in the bowl, which were in the shape of roller skates. I knew that in order to get enough of them into my face I would have to unwrap as many as I could in the valuable time we had left. We had very limited supervision under my Aunt Jenny, and I wasn�t about to squander it. I visualized myself as a little squirrel preparing itself for winter, as I crammed fistfuls of the forbidden goods into my mouth.

�..Can�t talk to you�I�have to get�this�chocolate�my house we don�t have��

And then finally - the girls left me alone. Who cared? At this rate I was going to have forbidden memories for weeks to come!

During gift-opening time, my cousin received cute stuff like a plastic lifesaver bank, a few powder puffs, a plastic perfume-filled deer with a screw top head and a purple glitter hat. My mom bought her a t-shirt from me that said �NO NUKES!� As I watched the girls �ooh and ahh� over each and every present except for mine, I popped another chocolate skate into my mouth and combed through my clothes for storage spots I might have missed. They could have given her a fucking esophagus; I didn�t care about anything but my strategic plan. Later, my mother would ruin my high by reminding me that I always came home from my cousin�s place with an attitude, and what was that all about?

�I do not!!! YOU have an attitude! I LIKE being with my cousin! Aunt Jenny gives us lots of CANDY!! We don�t HAVE! - any candy here!! Oh yes I DO need candy!!�

Then - I would be sent to my room to detox.

With my pockets now entirely stuffed to capacity with contraband, I thoughtfully rationalized that I should leave one chocolate in the candy bowl �just in case someone wanted one�, and I made my way out to the floor to roller skate. I had planned to just hold onto the railing as I made sparks with my �wheels of fire�, but as it happened an older boy with a bandana hanging out of the back of his corduroys surprised me when he zoomed up next to me to asked me to skate. �Who�s Crying Now� by Journey was booming over the 3 speaker sound system. I didn�t even have boobs yet, but still, it felt kind of natural to be chosen as one�s exclusive roller muse. He took my hand, and as I gazed up at his long winged back hair, which he had more than likely combed and styled without the help of his parents, I felt elated at the opportunity to hold a hand that wasn�t attached to my mom, or a field trip safety buddy.

Would he be able to tell that my mother cut my bangs way too short this morning, and that she accidentally stuck me on my right eyelid with the scissors, leaving a big red scratch?

�Miss Tracy at Kid Cuts never EVER cuts my eye with the scissors!�

�Young lady - you�re gonna thank me later when you can see where you�re skating.�

My new boyfriend whipped me around the rink dozens of times, and I could see the pink hair-bowed girls skating in the background, tripping over their dresses and ambling along like injured baby bunnies, absolutely eating our dust. This boy had come specifically for me. Does everybody got that? Me!

I was nervous though, because I wasn�t sure what was supposed to come next. When the song is over, do we keep skating to another song? When my mom comes to pick me up and says �Ready to go, toots?� should I laugh and say

�Oh hi Carolyn, what are you doing here?�

If he tells me he loves me, do I cook him dinner? How do you cook dinner? Was I supposed to give him half of my chocolate skates or could I keep them all for me? I wasn�t sure I was entirely ready to get married, but - the potential for excitement seemed inexhaustible. Besides, maybe he could do my hair and not pull so hard like somebody I knew!
The thought also occurred to me that when you were chosen to skate with a person, it was supposed to be to a romantic song, so I couldn�t understand why we were skating to a song called �Who�s Crying Now�. I tried to listen to the words:

Still they try to see

Why something good 
Can hurt so bad

Caught on a one-way street

The taste of bittersweet�wonder who�s Crying now.

I was scared to speak, but it was so tranquil, I�m sure I had to ruin it.
I whispered�


�Is this a love song?�

He didn�t hear me.

�Do you want half of - my chocolate?�

He still didn�t hear me, and when I looked over at him, I only saw someone in the moment, someone with peace and quiet in his head. Someone who probably didn�t binge on chocolate roller-skates just because they were there.

�Um is this a love song?�

He was still clasping my hand, but looking straight ahead, focused on mouthing the words.

Two hearts born to run

Who'll be the lonely one

Wonder who's crying now

�Ohhh� I think I get it, forget it.�

He hadn�t heard me. Ten seconds later, he slowed us down and spoke to me at last. I grew 2 inches.

�I like your Stones shirt, where�d you get it?�

�My brother outgrew it.�

He smiled at me, so I smiled back.

�But it was me who picked out my outfit today.�

previous - next