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what happens in Tucson stays in Tucson, mainly because it melted

2006-05-14 - 0:00 p.m.

I didn�t know what to eat today so I just had butter. That can�t be good for you.

I just came back from Tucson again � I went for my friend Dan�s lung cancer party, not that lung cancer is any reason to celebrate. He was diagnosed a year and a half ago and told he would only live three months, and then he outlived himself. I haven�t seen him in seven years, and his face kind of blew up because of the chemo. I think his cancer is gone, but I�m hoping there�s no encore in the future. A lot of his friends were smoking there � he told them don�t worry, it�s only terminal lung cancer. I went to see my ex boyfriend (well one of them) at his last weekend in prison while I was there. That was uplifting. I think he�s on drugs. Not for any reason, just that he was blinking a lot and breathing kind of heavy. And his teeth were chattering. And he was staring at me, but not like when he was courting me. Not that he ever did. I asked him who was picking him up and he said his road dog. What the hell is a road dog? He�s always spoken kind of funny but road dog has to go. I wouldn�t want to be anyone�s road dog. I was there about two minutes and had barely said hello to him when we walked outside to sit. Two guards came out and told him they needed to speak to him alone. I knew he was taking drugs! Five minutes later he came back to tell me my panties were showing and it was stirring the masses, so if I didn�t cover up, our visit would be ended. If I could�ve jumped the gate, I would�ve. He wanted a soda, but there was no way I was going back in there past those orange jumpsuits again. Have your road dog bring you a case of it.

Tucson is still very hot. The lung cancer party was mostly bikers and a barbeque pit that was very smoky. I�m sure that was great for his lungs. My friend Tony went with me. He�s a hyper Italian from New Jersey, and he has slicked back doo wop hair. He insisted on wearing a suit to the party, which I warned him about, but apparently he wasn�t hot enough in his t-shirt. I thought I was traveling with Frank Sinatra. After the party we went to a casino and I won a lot of money. The trick is to cash out early, then start all over. Tony doesn�t understand that. He�s a spiritual practitioner, which mainly just means he has divine license to lecture me. I told him God also speaks directly to me, and he asked me to tell Tony to be quiet. He�s actually helped a lot of people, he gets corporations to donate hugely to charities. Yesterday we went to a seminar by Peter Anthony who built orphanages all over the world � he also has a bunch of hair salons. Somehow he ended up interviewing me on stage so I�ll be in his next dvd. I wished I wouldn�t have worn that freaking ugly shirt.

My brother Rory is a Mary Kay rep. He calls himself the pink panther/ pink coyote interchangeably, and hosts parties at his apartment. I still can�t figure out my family. I spoke to my grandmother this morning, who informed me that my grandfather is in the hospital and has bladder cancer, kidney stones and is about to have an operation. She said he�s being very selfish lately. I can�t imagine why that would be.

Everyone is getting fired at my job. We�re down to two. I would hate to do battle with this crew. The type A guy got let go two weeks ago, having nothing to do with him passing out at his desk hungover or recruiting the Persian Princess from that reality show I�ve never watched. He brought her in, but didn�t actually have a job for her. Not a paying job anyway. The last person got fired last week. I think she just didn�t feel like showing up. It�s down to the white rapper and me. He�s new hip hop song has been on the radio a lot lately, so I don�t know how long he�ll be there either. It wasn�t like anyone promised me coworkers.

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