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Focus L.A.

2004-04-17 - 7:11 p.m.

I got called to do this marketing thing which I've done before, but it's a different topic each time. The company pays a cross section of 15 Los Angeles people $75 cash to have a conversation about something, and they tape it, so that they can use it for demographics/marketing. The reps usually call you and ask you if you have experience on this particular topic, and if you answer the questions correctly, they'll use you. If not, they say, sorry, we'll call you some other time. I got tired of telling the truth, and then hearing "sorry maam" so I've been waiting for their next call.

They called and asked me how much I watch the following shows, and I straight lied. I never watch t.v. Just movies.

REP - Crossing Jordan?

Me- Usually.

REP- the only answers are often, occasionally, seldom, and never.

Me- The one before occasionally please.

REP- ER?

Me - Of course. Often.

Rep - Everybody Loves Raymond?

Me - Who doesn't love him. All the time, are you kidding?

Rep - The only answers are -

Me - - Very often maam!

Rep - Whoopi?

Me - Yyy..es.

Rep - The O.C?

Me - Can you hold? I have a business call.

Rep - Yes.

Me - Georgie. Georgie! Hey! What's Whoopi? What's The O.C?

Georgie -The O.C. is great! I love that show!

Me - Well what the hell is it?

Georgie -It's about a rich kid kind of soap opera young cast...

Me -Thanks. Hello? Often, I watch it often.

Will and Grace?

Me - Oh, that? Never. I'm pretty picky.

Rep - OK, well, I think...we'll be able to use you.

Me - Excellent. I'll see you Saturday.

Rep - Before we hang up, can you give me a two sentence synapsis of ER?

Me - Me?

Rep - Yes. Please.

Me - Well, it's like - E.R. is...(something I've never seen) a sort of duality between saving lives and people falling in love, really. It's a hodgepodge of stories interwoven into one main story, and it always picks up from where it left off the week before! And not that many people die in it. A very popular show.

Rep - Only two sentences are necessary, thanks.

Me - You are so welcome!

Rep - Can you tell me the setting of the show?

Me - A hospital I think. (Georgie nods)Yep, it's a hospital.

Rep - Can you name me some of the characters on the show.

Me - Clooney.

Rep - (clearly tired) Ok, I'll fax you the paperwork, thank you.

I didn't want to be the only one who didn't know anything, so I started to study. I'm used to winging things, but this would be a tough topic to wing. I got key info on all the characters from their respective websites, and damned if I didn't know what I was talking about now. I visualized my input at the group: "Oh...you call her Whoopi? I call her Mavis, because that's her t.v. show name, and I get so used to it being Mavis, I almost don't know her as Whoopi anymore. Great show."

I pulled that kind of talk on the last focus group I did on the Hollywood Bowl, which, until the Focus Group was over, I didn't even know what the H.B. was. It's a place where you go to watch concerts and events. But I was one of the best participating that day I thought.

Rep - And next? What outdoor events have you seen at the Bowl?

Me - I saw the Philharmonic. Not impressed.

Rep - Have you seen anything else?

Me - Umm. Some old guy...shoot. Who was it?

Another ass kisser participant- Barry?

Me - White?

Ass kisser- Manilow.

Me - Oh yeah, it was! Great show! But those seats.

Rep - What was the seating like? The layout?

Me - Me? Well, let's just say my friend got sick everywhere and the seats are a little too close together.

Rep - Oh my! That must've affected your opinion of the seating for sure.

Me - For sure.

So anyway, I study my ass off and show up this a.m. where instead of 15 people there are about 60. After everyone gets there they have muffins and fruit and coffee on the table, and it's quiet, but there's so many people in the sign up room, that you can't help but be a little crowded, because wherever you look, there's a face right near you. Sad faces, curious faces, hungry faces. All were quiet. Except for the eating and drinking noises. It was so cute, it made me smile. All these quiet, cute little faces with nametags on! Jenny and Jed and Tyrone and Lakifa! Silently sipping and chewing and looking around, it was too much to take. But who could I tell about it? And I started to laugh. Which was weird, because no one was talking, much less to me. But I kept laughing, thinking about how we were all here to talk about some random television shows with people we didn't know, all for $75.00 . People started to notice, and I really couldn't help it. They all looked like babies in big people's clothes.

And then when we finally went into the room, I told Lakifa, quiz me. She said on what? I said any show. So she said Who Loves Raymond? I told her, besides everybody? His mother and sister. Lakifa looked bored.

It turned out, we didn't talk about fucking Raymond, or Whoopi, or Jordan or Will and/or Grace. We watched a potential upcoming show about an airport terminal and rated it with our computer generated dials! What a gyp. I was hurt, to say the least. To make matters worse, they called two groups of 15 after it was over, to go into another room, and my group "got to go home early" because they only needed two discussion groups. Whatever. I couldn't even talk about a show I actually watched.

As we were leaving, a guy came up to me and a woman I happened to be walking to the restroom with, and he asked us why we thought we were allowed to leave so early. She told him

"I don't know but I'm glad. I've never even seen the Whoopi show."

I told her "Mavis".

She said "sorry?"

It's just a private joke I have with myself, I said.

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