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evolution

2012-01-01 -

Obviously people are very excited about entering into another new year (excluding the Mayans) but I�ve just never been a fan of New Year�s Eve. Around midnight each year, no matter where I am, I scan the place for a room I can hide in until it�s over. Last night, a little before 12:00, I thought about New Year�s Resolutions, not my own, (I call them goals, and they�re just as effective any other time of year), but what my friends� resolutions were, and who would be the least likely to keep them.

It�s well into New Year�s Day, and wouldn�t it be nice if everyone in LA could stay this subdued for the remainder of the week? Hey! Have your hangovers, eat your snacks and shush! I�m drinking a mellow vegan protein smoothie and some low-key crackers made of nothing but seeds, like a bird would eat. A bird could feed their family on these! But missing out on fat like I�ve been, I�m headed for a scrawny snag, so I�m about ready to increase the dairy quotient a notch higher.

I love writing about veganism. Maybe it�s because I�m white. These days I�m more like a vegan�s helper, so I�ve been utilizing a skill I�ve developed to warn my spouse of potential dairy traps by sending him altruistic messages.

�Warning - don't eat the mozzarella soy cheese. It only melts like cheese because it has a cheese byproduct in it!�

Actually, he isn�t a vegan either; he just has a clearly drawn line as to what he�s not eating right now, (which seems vegan-like, which is why I keep talking about it). I like the way I feel when I don�t have it, but it keeps calling me back. Then I get antsy and just go where the dairy tide takes me. Last week I went to lunch with a girl I work with, and she was gushing about this seafood place she�s in love with. It had been a month since I had anything animal-based, and I embraced it like it had just returned to me after a 4 year war. Later I beamed home another message:

�Just had lobster covered with melted butter on a toasted bun. Guess I�m out of the club.�

Slowly though, my husband has been starting to look into collecting hunting gear (first up: bow and arrow. On deck: ax). Kind of horrible? Maybe. I�ve always thought that hunting solely for sport could send a person to hell, especially if they were Catholic. But his reasoning seems to be pretty practical � you get out there, you show respect for the animal by hunting with tools that require you to use some skill / give them a chance, and you make use of every part of the animal. I must be evolving into something I didn�t anticipate, because the notion of any of this would make my stomach turn a few years ago. I think it was the looming economic collapse that started my evolution towards survivalist. Back to basics. Just don�t expect me to do any hide tanning or bone-boiling.

In light of evolving, and as there may be dead animals being dragged toward our house very soon, I thought it would be wise to prepare myself a future consumption criteria list. If asked:

Pig � Absolutely not
Squirrel � Probably not, unless you can somehow trick me into it
Hare � yes (that�s a rabbit right?)
Snake � w/o the venom
Alligator � yes
Bird � yes, except for duck; if the clever Chinese can�t hide the gaminess, no one will
Rodent � not unless there�s a (severe) food drought
Venison � one bite maximum
Fish � yes
Bear � no. Maybe.

As a rule of thumb, wait to hear the story of what it is and how it got dragged onto your doorstep before making any final decisions. If undecided, refuse to eat it until it resembles a tiny cutlet.

Eventually, move to BC or similar location where there's less likelihood of choking on polluted air that you can actually see. Help out with arduous animal tasks without being a pansy flower about it.

Being an ever-evolving individual like the rest of the world, you can always reevaluate.

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