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IF I WERE PRESIDENT OF THE HOW TO ACT CLUB II

2010-03-11 - 10:47 a.m.

Welcome to the second installment of your city Governmental addendum as it relates to you, which is to say, how it relates to how we at The How To Act Club see it. There are two new orders of business to be discussed here: the first order of business is a new game called �Solo Survivor� which was designed to encourage resourcefulness and a stronger sense of family and community using a �come as you are� modality. The game is all in fun, yet THTAC is not responsible for any participants clearly not having fun throughout the duration of the game. All interested parties in our jurisdiction (which is all of you, if you�ve received this letter) will have a chance to play Solo Survivor, which will work as follows:

A sign up list will make the rounds for anyone wanting to participate in the festivity (singular). The city participants will then be divided into smaller sub-groups. A maximum of 20 potential competing residences will be chosen at random. The game will begin immediately for all 20 residences involved, until the game is complete, upon which time we will begin the second round of choosing 20 random homes to play in the next game, and so on, until all interested parties in the city have played, and one winner from each 20 is acknowledged.

The object of the Solo Survivor game: Utilizing only the food that is currently in your house, apartment or dwelling, the goal will be to subsist for as long as you can on that food. Whether you are a person living alone or in a large family is irrelevant to the game, as you�d better be certain the food in your fridge and pantry are in equal ratio to the people in your house, and then some. You will have no way of knowing when you will compete, so stocking up on food is really up to you � and since canned food was outlawed, that leaves frozen, fresh and dried. The last residence able to survive the longest on their home�s currently available foodstuffs will be declared the winner for that group. Once all division winners are declared, the names will be entered into a hat. A final winner picked from the finalists� names in the hat will be declared, similar to the way the Superbowl winner works, but not really. Finally, the one residence deemed Solo Survivor will have the opportunity to create exactly one new law on the topic of his/her choice. This new law will be overseen by THTAC, and altered somewhat if it looks as if the winner isn�t doing a good enough job with it.

Please note: anyone trying to cheat, that is to say, visiting a nearby market, ordering in, eating food not brought to work from home, or �borrowing sugar� from a neighbor will be

a) disqualified
b) aired live on Channel 7 City Government�s Power Hour, alongside our President, and will have to face a 24 hour period of live Q&A from all 19 disappointed and competing households. Many of them will be angry, and there will be no rules on times of call in or what types of questions asked of you (for example, a household may ask you how much money you made last year, how you raise your children, or why you were such an unintelligent cheater).

Further, food gathered from couches, walls, floors, pet bowls are all fair game � again, provided they are found INSIDE the home, and were �foraged� between the times of notification through to game�s end.

Finally, it is neither the business nor the responsibility of THTAC whether your domicile houses elderly individuals, large growing athlete sons, overweight family members, medication dependents or picky dieters. What is in your house is what you will be eating. This is a contest, not a therapeutic weekend.

On to the second order of business: Everyone in our jurisdiction who signs up for it in advance will be allowed one NDE, or Near Death Experience in the coming year, to be initiated and overseen by THTAC. The NDE project has been a long time in the making, and we are pleased to announce its final inception. Test runs have been done on suicidal volunteers, and it is our pleasure to report that 99.8% of them no longer want to die. (the remaining percentage enjoyed the NDE experience so much, they asked us to send them back permanently). The NDE will foster feelings of gratitude and a sense of �my life is actually not so bad� ; not to mention it will squelch the carrying-on that many of our city folk have been doing for years about �this aching back� , �this blasted diabetes� or �my old ball and chain�. For many of you it will be the first time you show gratitude, ever. If however, it is found that your NDE doesn�t somehow render you nicer, wiser, or at the very least, move you to change careers that will help someone else, then it�s curtains for you. (Please see myself, or a member of my staff on what three options �curtains� will offer you).

As always, full cooperation by all parties will be rewarded with this year�s free Government gift series, designed to generate a heart warming sense of well-being, no matter how contrived it might be: American comfort classics on channel 7, in a repeated televised loop, including wonderfully spirited airings like �It�s a Wonderful Life�, the Jack La Lane Juicer infomercials, the Macy�s Day Parade archives, and the currently airing �Best Western� commercials.

This concludes the addendum � please send in your votes.

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