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guilt and not much else

2004-11-09 -

We used to have to go to confession when we were small, so that maybe we could know the beauty of guilt. It was horrible, and the worst kind of brainwashing. I could've said anything to the priest, and still he would've said do some Hail Mary's and an Our Father. My infractions were mimimal compared to the ones I stirred up later, years after church was a dead issue. But now even after my sins have quieted down from a big cheer to a dull buzz, the guilt over anything bigger than the head of a mental midget, is ruinous to me.

I got a letter from my Grandmother and she asked me if she did anything wrong, because I haven't written her back in a month or two. Ouch! She said if there's anything she did, please let her know in my next letter. Guiltsmart. Still I have

a) guilt at not having written her lately
b) guilt if I write her out of guilt.

I had just sent her a letter the day before I got hers.

Marty called and when the operator says you have a collect call from: he says in Spanish,

"Where's Ohell? Send me a letter."

a) guilt because I have no excuse living in the free world, not writing, and my friend does not, and he writes like forty letters a week.
b) guilt at just feeling like a bad friend overall.

My girlfriend Roxy got subpoened (sp) a few times for things that aren't legal, and she couldn't take one more court threat, and left her house for a few days to stay at a hotel. The paper servers were showing up at her apt. and somehow getting buzzed in. I wanted her to stay here with me tonight, but I really had to work on a project and I'm a horror to be around today. (period, mine) I asked her if she could stay here tomorrow or Thursday. In turn, she spent $259.00 on a room today.

a) guilt because I feel like a bad friend
b) flipside guilt that if she would've stayed here tonight that this project would have never gotten done

Sometimes you make choices, and one person suffers for that choice, if only slightly. Occasionally, that person doesn't even know they would've suffered, because they're not privvy to the decision making.

Also of minor importance:

I was throwing out date pits at work and Jacob came in the kitchen and scared the hell out of me and I dropped them all over the floor. He picked them up for me and asked me if he could plant them outside.

Not worth mentioning, but I will:
I have been having conversations in my head a lot lately, and hearing the sequel to them later. As in, I'll hear a conversation in my head that took place hours earlier. I'll have a question about it, and soon after that, I'll get a phone call from someone who brings up the answer to the question I was asking. Today it was the answer to the question,
"Why are people so afraid of dirt?"

Honorable mention:
My friend did not win NY state assembly, but will be running again in two years. My family hasn't seen him in almost ten years, but they haven't forgotten him. My Dad said he saved one of my friend's campaign signs from the street and put it in the house for me. He also said,

"Too bad, he probably would have made a great politician, he always ws a good b.s. artist."

Dishonorable mention:

My brother Rob is coming home for Christmas as well as I am, and has been sober at least six days, he mentioned to my Father. His (gets paid to screw) ex girlfriend, the "pregnant" one, still calls and harrasses my Father and tells him she'll send him the death certificates of the twins,(one became two somehow) because she lost them. The overall assumption is that she was never pregnant, just really high.

Closing thought:

I am going to have a dl party one day, and only invite the people on my buddy list. I love you I love you I love you, I love you.

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