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To anyone in my family, skip this one. Trust me.

2004-06-09 - 9:24 p.m.

Initially I was mortified when people would come in the door to where I work and see the lifesized Shaq poster on the entrance wall. It wasn't bad enough it used to be black and white, then got upgraded to color. But it seems that everyone really dug the poster besides my obvious workmates wearing gold and purple shirts and flashing bracelets. Lawyers, solititors, job applicants, Bill the Courier, Fed Ex, the occasional pan handler - everyone had something good to say about the Lakers. Now it seems that Kobe has been added to the fucking door 6 inches from Shaq, half a life sized. I understand he pulled a remarkable move last night and I'm all for team spirit and manifesting miracles in the last minute to tie or win the game, but I think we might wait until they reach a verdict. Not that anyone at this place cares. Guilty or not he scores and is hung. (Up.) I referenced today that the Knicks used to practice at my old college, (because there wasn't one athlete attending the school) but I may as well have said I splashed your Shaq poster with acid, because I wasn't met with kindness or comraderie. I wasn't into watching sports back home either, and one of my friends begged me to get her son an autograph at the annual Knicks barbeque at the college, and so I walked up to the tallest guy there hanging out with the team and asked him for one. He said sure, but that he was actually the President of my college.

I got a call from one of my old friends from high school, he used to hang out with my brother Rory and they played drums together. He also dated one or two of my friends, but was not what you call committed to girls then, and I saw him run away from each of them and into another fling time after time. He had moved here from England with his family I think, or maybe he and his sister were exchange students, I don't know. He would bring these Monty Python tapes to my little friend's house and laugh so hard he'd slap someone else's knee. I noted that he even laughed in an English accent. He eventually went on to become the class President and was very active in life I think, overall. I could never relate to that back then, I didn't understand how someone could be so full of pep and not be on something synthetic. Long story unbearable, I ended up bumping into him years later at the same college, where I was still pretty screwy on synthetics/organics, and he was of course a dorm counselor now or whatever, as well as in a punk band called Virus 23, not to mention an accomplished campus actor. I think he played RubberCop, and gave out condoms to all the new freshmen when they came in. Anyway, it was a running joke, see you every four years or something, ha ha ha.

Four years later, I'm at a party in Venice Ca for a wingnut I was barely dating who had night terrors for God knows what reason, and I turn to my girlfriend and say we really should leave, this sucks - who the hell - is that Christian over there? Well of course it was. He had moved to Ca too, so naturally we became friends again, but this time we actually talked to each other.

One night he told me that he had dated a girl that I was friends with in Junior High, and still kind of missed her, and I thought wow. I have some memories of her too. Not only did she and I go to girl scout camp together, but she was my first lover ever. I told Christian he was gonna have to fight me for her.

I never knew what it meant to be a girlscout. I thought it meant you scored as many of those iron on patches as possible, and put them all over your sash so you looked like you were busy. Karen and me were not really interested in camp per se, we had an exploratory mission up our skirts, and once the tent was pitched we sailed every course. I couldn't believe how amazing it was and how she knew what she was doing, although we were twelve. It became an obsession, every night I couldn't wait to go to bed, and her sleeping bag was scented like chicory bonfire, probably because even the pancakes were. On the third night I asked her if she was tired yet, and meek Mary with the glasses announced "Yes, Karen will be making love to you tonight Ohell."

END OF PART I, THANK YOU PLEASE ENJOY A BEVVIE (ENGLISH FOR BEVERAGE) AND COME BACK FOR PART II IF YOU WOULD

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