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I said – don’t look at me sideways, fool.

2012-05-15 -

I am not a fan of daily affirmations, because no one ever sticks to them. Which is why there are so many books about them everywhere – no one can recall even one. So here are some of my personalized ones, which are certainly much easier to remember.

Just for today, I will respect no one’s views. I will see to it that I maintain a tone as sarcastic as humanly possible, offering anyone in my path simple pious posturing, with an added gaze of disdain.

Just for today I will tell all of the LA food bloggers to put a fork in it! I will remind them that nobody really uses phrases like ‘slicked with oil’, ‘citrus notes’, ‘the chef’s iteration’ or ‘a heady combination’. Just for today I will make them eat marshmallow fluff sandwiches on white bread, toasted over formaldehyde soaked coals from the 80’s. And I will make them post photos about it, smiling back at us in their sequined tank tops.

Just for today – I will tell my dogs no! No you cannot have a treat. No we will not walk a mountain. And no, you may not stare at me for 5 minutes at a time to capture small possible glimpses into my soul.

Just for today anything my acquaintances have to say will be met with ‘I don’t think any of that matters in life. Get real or I’ll hang up.’

Just for today I will delete five to ten chronic annoyances on Facebook. First to walk the virtual plank will be anyone who’s ever posted about or invited me to a Bejeweled game, right before anyone who’s ever posted a still shot of a famous painting or great musician with no good explanation, followed closely behind by anyone who’s posted song lyrics, famous quotes or sappy poetry on an unfathomably regular basis.

Just for today I will not wave to my neighbors or anyone at the park with a living creature trailing behind them.

Just for today, I will shove any junk mail found in my mailbox in someone else’s mailbox.

Just for today, when the two barking dogs that live next door to each other on my block start up again, the ones who simultaneously bark every time someone moves, I will walk down there and plaster a large piece of paper on their fence that says

The two most fucking exasperating dogs in the world live here and ←→ here.

Just for today, I will realize that this has been the most liberating day of my existence, the one I will remember for the many tomorrows wherein I become a reluctant member of the well behaved once again.

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